It’s been a while since my last post, and God has been doing major heart surgery on me (as always)!
Even though my time is almost over here, it’s still so amazing to me that I’m actually living in the one place on this earth that I’ve always dreamed of living in, and that I’m doing the one thing I’ve always longed to do!!!!
These past few months God has continued to hammer away at my heart. Once again showing me the real condition of it.. I started to believe I had pretty much everything together, neglecting the many wounds within my heart.
Him being the loving Father He is, He tenderly brought them to the surface.
A couple of weeks ago, me and my teammates were on our way to church. The Lord began to allow the most beautiful and intimate memories of my Paternal Grand Mother to surface… You see, my Grand Mother played a huge role in raising me. But when I was 10, she passed away… Me being so young, I never really knew how to process it, so I rebelled. When I first gave my life to Jesus, I was able to make peace with it, or so I thought.
I got lost in my thoughts as I stared out of the window of the van, while we drove through the beautiful desert land.. The memories of when I would lay on her lap, and talk to her for hours as she would rub my back, began to ease its way in.. Even the times when she held me, and talked me through everything that was going on in my life. Because of some of the things I went through as a kid, I became such an angry child, to the point where I gave her and everyone else such a hard time. Instead of seeing me the way mostly everyone else saw me, my Grand Mother saw me as a beautiful innocent child. She was my best friend…
I prayed that no one else saw the tears streaming down my face… as the memories stung and I couldn’t help but silently cry as I gazed out the window. I just started to shut the memories down, I couldn’t handle it… But the Lord with a soft whisper spoke to my heart and said, “Let’s talk about it. I want to walk through this with you…”. And like that, I released the death grip, opening my fragile heart to my loving Creator..
It’s crazy to me that for so long I’ve shut this out.. I allowed God to wreck me in so many beautiful ways as I whole-heartedly chased after Him. He allowed me to see the amazing fruit of my endless prayers for friends, family members, and the people He brought to mind.. He even allowed me to see the fruit of the endless prayers in my own life… Yet, I couldn’t handle the thought of dealing with this… This was one of the major times in my life that God used to shape me into who He wanted me to be, by speaking identity over me. He had His hand over my life, and His love was truly manifested through the woman who gave birth to my Father, the same woman who took me as her own daughter..
As I slowly drifted out of the memories, and into reality, God so lovingly said to me, “I was always there.. From the very beginning I was always there.”.
When I think about the circumstances around my birth, the things I’ve been through, and how Jesus saved me from death many, many times… The way I was raised, and the beautiful family God placed me in, I can’t help but be thankful….
What if God was never there?
Is it a coincidence that my Mother is one of the most radical servants I know?
Is it a coincidence that the way she takes people in, and gives her all to people has pushed me to be the same exact way today?
Is it a coincidence that she would do anything to see the deepest desires of my heart fulfilled and see Jesus and I to become one? If it wasn’t for any of this.. My eyes would have never been opened to see that my greatest dreams are attainable…
Or what about my Father?
Is it a coincidence that he is so similar? he loves so beautifully, and even though he worries about me because of the crazy places God is taking me, he’s always there. Even if that’s just to hold me and remind me of his unshakable love for me.
Is it a coincidence that my 4 sisters and 1 brother, along with my aunts, uncles, grandfather and cousins are my biggest supporters?
What else can I do but be in awe of my beautiful Creator?
The one who sees me and loves me so deeply. The same one that is always so willing to remind me of His love for me through the people He has placed in my life.. He never fails to remind me that I was worth the sacrifice, that I was worth dying for…Not because I had a perfect family, but because He knew me before He formed me in my Mother’s womb.. He knew me and loved me and set me apart from the very beginning, to be His daughter…