Peace in the midst of a storm named anxiety

Since my Instagram post, I’ve had quite a few people reach out and ask me questions about how I was able to walk in freedom from depression, anxiety, bulimia etc. So as instructed by the Lord, I have decided to do a series of my posts and a video (launching next year) on how I was set free from all of those things.

For years anxiety crippled me to the point where every morning without fail, I would wake up at 6/7am and feel the unignorable knots in my stomach and the many things that came with it: Shame, guilt, depression, fear, confusion, emptiness, numbness and let’s not forget.. Vomiting… It’s crazy how much food I used to eat and *coughs* still do… I was so skinny, weighing a strong 90-100 pounds, but it was because I could barely keep anything down..

Honestly, the stress vomiting was my best kept secret. I masked the severe anxiety disorder with  humor/ a bad attitude/ even emotionally checking out. Refusing to let anyone too close to see the mess that was in my heart… The hard thing is, when I did, the majority of people I chose to reveal the depths of my heart to walked away/dismissed the pain I was going through/ died.. The rejection fueled the depression, suicidal behavior and thoughts, and self harm thus causing me to become numb and internalize everything as a defense mechanism.. All of those things added fuel to the anxiety fire..

STEP 1: COMING TO THE END OF YOURSELF:

When I first heard this saying it totally wrecked me. Coming to the end of yourself, to me means coming to a place of understanding that you cannot control every single thing in life and you were never meant to bare the weight of the world on your shoulders.. Most of all, you are not perfect.. 

I remember the day that I came to the end of myself, literally laying on the floor of my apartment just weeping.. In that moment I literally made up my mind that I was not going to live.. For the first time in a while I yelled out to God and said, with tears streaming down my face and with anguish rushing through my veins, “God, if you do not show up I am going to take my life..” I honestly wasn’t expecting an encounter.. All’s I knew was that I did not want to live. I was feeling a level of hurt that I have never felt before… A pain that no death nor heartbreak could ever bring about again..  I barely finished speaking when God spoke to me and said “Where you are now is nothing compared to where you can be” and like that I just let go, and man, like a rushing flood He swept away the shame, guilt, depression and fear..  Giving me purpose and hope in a situation that was extremely hopeless.                                      
There’s something so beautiful about coming to a place of understanding that God doesn’t expect perfection or that your life does not need to be fixed for Him to want you.. Jesus shamelessly hung.. on a cross.. naked… So that I.. You.. Could be free and for all our shame to be wiped away…  How amazing is that?  

Many times have we heard that we are worthless but God says, we, YOU were worth dying for… 

Ok, imagine you’re a parent and your baby has a dirty diaper.. A good parent won’t abandon their child and say that because they are dirty, they are unlovable..   A good parent loves their child regardless of whether they are clean or dirty.. Happy or sad.. Sick or healthy… That is your child..

Now, imagine how God feels about you? His beautiful creation.. The one He created in His own image.. With love, care and detail. One who knew your days far before He placed you in your mother’s womb.. 

Psalm 139:17-18

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
    I awake, and I am still with you.

Psa 55:22 Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.

2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

Prayer: 

Abba, I need you.. I need you more than anything in this world.. Oh God please reveal to me your love.. Show me your heart for me.. I surrender my all to you and ask that you wipe away my shame.. Make me new, and show me the purpose you have for my life.. God, I say that I choose you.. I choose to serve you all the days of my life but if I stray, draw me back into your loving embrace.. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

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